Mirror, Mirror on the WHAAAA!
by Tokyo Kitty
Summary: Answering the universe's eternal questions one laugh at a time. Ever wonder why there are no mirror's on the Woglinde? 100 guaranteed stupidity and laughs or your money back!


Mirror, Mirror, On the WAAHHH!

A Tokyo Kitty and Emerald Velvet Touch Production

Disclaimer: I don't own it! And neither does my friend. We're just sick tired people on too much caffeine.

A/N: Okay, this idea is just plain silly. Let me explain it's origin: My friend and I, who goes by the name of Emerald Velvet Touch on this site, were talking about Xenosaga 3 (our current obsession). Our topic eventually fell to Wilhelm who I think is just plain freaky. Then, EVT say to me "He's so freaky he scares his own reflection." So that's where this comes from. Pure, unadulterated comedy.

0000

Shion awoke to the sound of her Communication Gear ringing. She squinted at it in the darkness to read the name and then sat up quickly grabbing her glasses and putting them on before answering the comm.

"What is it Allen?"

"Oh! Uh, hi Cheif! Am I bothering you?" The holographic image scratched the back of it's head. Shion could see Togashi in the back of the image, laughing.

"No, I was only sleeping. What is it?" Shion answered flippantly. Allen looked appalled to learn he'd woke her up; not that Shion noticed that.

Allen stumbled on words for a moment trying to apologize and explain at the same time. Finally he clearly said "We finished analyzing the data from this morning's test. I figured you'd want to come see. Oh, and also I-"

"Thank you, Allen. I'll be there shortly." Shion shut the comm. off before Allen could finish his other comment. She figured that the test data was the main body of what he wanted to say, therefore, that was all she needed. Or at least that was Shion's logic.

She got up and the lights instantly turned on. She flipped her hair and pulled on the Vector jacket she'd left on the rack before lying down. She ran her fingers through her hair looking out the window in her room into space.

'I wish I had a mirror to check my hair. My brother Jin always says I have the worst bed head.' She grabbed a hairbrush rather violently at the thought of her brother and brushed out her hair, using the dully reflective glass as a makeshift mirror.

She straightened her hair again throwing down the brush before grabbing her comm. gear and heading out the door in the direction of the First R&D Division Lab.

As she walked down the hallway she couldn't get the mirrors out of her head. 'Come to think of it...There are no mirrors on the Woglinde. Not even in the bathrooms...and there weren't any on the last ship I was stationed on either.' With this thought in her head she walked into the lab.

Allen was bent over a console explaining part of the data to an intern when Shion entered. "Hello Chief! Gosh, that was fast..."

"Allen, why aren't there any mirrors on the Woglinde?" Shion asked out of the blue.

"Dah...um..." He stumbled. If he had been expecting a question that one wasn't what he'd been expecting. He turned around looking at Togashi for help but the other man just shrugged.

It was at that moment that the holo-screen where Allen had been helping that intern beeped. A picture of Miyuki appeared cheerful as ever.

"Hey guys! Sorry for listening in, but I know the answer to this one!" She exclaimed.

"Miyuki, how could you possibly be listening, the cameras in this room are all under level double A protection?" Shion crossed her arms and Miyuki tried and failed to hide her sheepish look.

"Um...don't worry about that one Shion. But about the mirrors. It's standard protocol for all Vector produced ships."

"Who'd make a weird order like that?" Allen blurted out.

Miyuki chuckled. "I think it was President Wilhelm who ordered it quite some time ago."

Togashi burst out laughing. "Hear that, Ridgley? You got a problem with it you got a take it up with the boss!"

Allen's face paled. "It's not that I have a problem with it...The Chief wanted to know." He whined but Togashi just kept laughing. Miyuki chuckled too before the vid-screen disappeared.

"That is a pretty strange order though," Shion added. "I mean, no mirrors? Isn't that a little random?"

Somewhere thousands of light-years away, Wilhelm sneezed.

'Someone is talking about me...' He thought while rubbing his nose with a handkerchief.

Out of nowhere a red cloaked man appeared next to his desk.

"Sir I have urgent news-"

"How many times do I have to tell you to NOT pop up like that?" Wilhelm exclaimed before swiftly regaining control. He folded his hands in front of himself and smiled again. "What is it?"

"The higher ups are petitioning for the building of a new war ship. Is this alright?" The masked man asked.

"Of course. Let them have all the toys the want. Just make sure they know this is perfectly clear: no mirrors." The last part of his sentence wiped the smile off his face. It was replaced with a dark sort of wince.

"Yes my liege." The man bowed slightly before disappearing as swiftly as he had come.

"Another war ship and another time I have to make that odd request.' Wilhelm thought bitterly. People may have called him anal-retentive and something of a control freak but it was all for good reason. He just downright hated the things. He cringed. 'Ugh...I feel a memory coming on...'

0000

Wilhelm sat in that same exact spot but it was very many years ago. He stared, bored, out the window into space when he was interrupted by the sound of someone entering his office.

"What is it?"

"Uh...sir! I was sent by my head of department to say that it is late and you should retire so that you are rested for tomorrow." The officer stammered.

"Do I look like a child to you? Tell your head of department he should know his place." Wilhelm muttered never taking his eyes off the window. The officer spouted a quick 'Yessir!' before running off to his department.

"Sir,"

Wilhelm groaned. "What is it now?" He turned the chair around to face the speaker to find a man cloaked in black.

"Oh, it's you. What is it?" Wilhelm calmed down.

"I came to tell you that your personal ship has been constructed and is now finished." The cloaked man said. Wilhelm nodded.

"Thank you, would you take me there? I'd like to see it." Wilhelm asked his subordinate who nodded solemnly. They both disappeared and reappeared in an office that looked exactly the same as the last only this one was circular with windows on all sides. Wilhelm nodded for the man to leave and he did so, disappearing into thin air once again.

Wilhelm walked around the ship investigating until he eventually stumbled upon his own quarters. Deciding that he was now indeed tired he walked through the sliding door and into the room. The first thing he noticed about the room was the large screen on the wall. Curiously he walked up to it thinking it was a vid-panel. Closer inspection revealed it was not and so he touched it experimentally.

The wall instantly lit up into one huge mirror. Wilhelm stared at his reflection and then recoiled screaming in terror.

The mirror reflected back at him his own reflection which he was quickly scooting away from. Out of nowhere the black cloaked an appeared again.

"Sir! What's wrong I thought I heard a woman scream." The cloaked being exclaimed.

"That was me you fool!" Wilhelm yelled back. "That mirror shut it off!"

The cloaked one hurried to do said thing and the wall returned to cold metal.

There was a moment of universe-shattering silence. Wilhelm had been caught screaming like a girl, at his own reflection.

"Er, I'll be leaving now sir." The cloaked man bowed.

"Before you go, I want you to issue an order that all mirrors are to be removed from all models of Vector ships. Starting with this one." Wilhelm stated icily. The cloaked one bowed. "And one other thing. Don't disappear randomly. Use the door." Wilhelm pointed to the door and the man bowed lower before taking his leave in a more human manner.

0000

Wilhelm shivered after such a recollection. 'I hate mirrors.'

0000

A/N: I can't believe I wrote this all in one sitting. It was so mind-numbingly stupid. Stay tuned for more from The Heart of All Things. This was just something of a break.


End file.
